The Pain of Love

"Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone." - C.S. Lewis

Love is such a powerful thing. It helps breakdown barriers and bridge gaps, it allows us to encourage others and show others who Christ is, and it helps us feel valued. But this same thing causes so much pain. The more love we pour into a person, the greater the capacity for hurt. Sometimes the result of this hurt holds us back from pouring out our love again. Not wanting to experience that pain again. It is hard. It's hard to pour so much love out, to love unconditionally, and to not feel it being returned. It creates a cautiousness in us. It can hold us back in future friendships. It can keep us from allowing people to move past our exterior. It's hard to move past this hurt.

Jesus experienced this same hurt. He poured so much into His disciples. Loving them with a perfect love, and yet He experienced rejection and betrayal from them. He gave His everything to serve and yet those He loved, with His whole being, turned on Him.

So why Love? Because God first Loved us! Despite our rejection, our constant disrespect of His greatness, He continually Loves! This is so hard to do. It is so easy to be angry and to reject those who have hurt us to our core. But we must continue to Love. For true Love keeps no record of wrongs, but ask us to continually Love and pray for those who have hurt us. May we not so much seek our will, but God's will. May we not look out for our needs, so much as for the needs of others. May we bless those who persecute or hurt us, and not repay evil for evil. May our capacity for love not be diminished but may it continually grow.

"Even love unreturned has its rainbow." - James Matthew Barrie

A Longing

There is this longing in me for something more, for something greater. I feel unfulfilled, unsatisfied by where I am at. There is a burning passion inside me that I can't seem to target what it is for. Opportunities arise and there are many directions I can go in this life, but I don't know where to go or where I want to go. It's so confusing! I don't feel settled in any one thing. It's like one day I believe I should be going overseas, another day I feel called to urban ministry's in the US, and other days I feel called to Marion. It's a confusing twist, and many times I just want to do it all, take on the world. I have no idea where I'm going, where God is going to use my gifts and talents. I think part of it may be my lack of reliance on Him, feeling unsatisfied because part of me still wants my hearts desires, which are not always focused around God.
One thing I know for a fact is that I want to serve God, to serve His people, to serve the lost and hurting and to set the captives free. God has laid so many burdens on my heart. A burden for the fatherless, a burden for those who do not have a voice, a burden for those who are trapped in lies that they can't seem to break free from. I want people to see themselves for who God has created them to be. To see themselves as beautiful and strong. To know that God has equipped every person in this world with unique and awesome gifts that no one else has. And to see people experience the freedom that comes from knowing that there is a God who is there for you!

A boxed God?

Where do we get off thinking that we know better than God? How come we are constantly trying to fit God into our box, into the person we want Him to be, and constantly fail to allow God to be God? How can we question what God does, expressing how God could possibly do this or that if He were a loving God?
One of the most powerful statements God makes in the Bible is stating "I am". Really, I am? What does that mean? It means God is all there is. God is everything. Within this statement, God is presenting His ultimate being. No matter what God does, He is perfect, what happens is part of His eternal plan.
So many things that God does throughout the Old Testament make me think, "This is not the God that I know. The God I know would not do that!" How arrogant of me! The pridefulness of putting an infinite God in a box! To think that I would know God better than He knows Himself, how ridiculous is that! We did not make God into our image, but we are made in the image of God. We are His, He is not ours. So many times we try to fit God into this person that we can deal with, that we understand, when the Truth is we will never fully understand God, and some of the actions He makes will not make sense to our human minds.
In the end, God is God and we are man. We try so hard to identify God through words, but God transcends words, He transcends our knowledge, and words are the only way that we can begin to identify His characteristics, but they are limiting. We must understand this fact, that words can't explain God, He is greater than any words. Let's not fall into this trap of holding God within our box. Let's allow God to be God!

Just takes a little faith!

"If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed." Jesus turned and saw her, "Take heart, daughter, your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

As I read through Matthew 9 and 10 this continually pops up, "Your faith has healed you!" What!?!?! These people believed that Jesus could heal and that faith healed them. Jesus tells us to have the faith of a little child, not limiting ourselves by what we have seen happen, but believing and having faith that God really can do anything. These people were ordinary people, no scholars or prophets, but people who had the faith of a mustard seed. As we grow older we become so logical, thinking everything has to make sense and everything has it's routine. We think this is how life is, we fall into this routine where everything happens the same way every time, people get sick, go to the doctor and let them take care of it. So are we saying that God can no longer heal in the ways He used to? Or are we just showing a lack of faith? Why can't God still heal in this way? We should believe in the power of the Almighty. Even in the little things, God cares about us. He calls us to seek Him, to ask for things and He will grant them. God wants to display His power, His might, and His majesty. He wants to heal and set the prisoners free, but we fail to offer this freedom to those around us. We fail to make known the greatness of our Lord and Savior. WHY? Why are we so scared of what others might think. If our God is for us, than who can be against us! We love the apostles and we love the work they do. As we read through the New Testament we think, "Wow, now this guy was great!" We read their books and gain knowledge, but we fail to see their true purpose. To bring healing to the captives. We are in the same situation they were, holding the Truth that can set the prisoners free, but we fail to be bold and persistent like these men. We need this faith, faith that God can do anything, and that everyone should experience the freedom and peace that comes with knowing and trusting God. May we find this faith. The faith of a mustard seed!

God owes me nothing!

Who are we to think that God owes us something? The past month has been difficult for me. This is not how this chapter in my life is supposed to end. I have experienced God's great Love and freedom, but I have felt so much pain and heartache. And I found myself coming before God saying, "I deserve better than this!" or "I'm owed this!" declaring that I have ownership of something. But we are not owed anything!!! We have no right to anything because it's all God's! And God owes us nothing, rather we owe God everything, but we so quickly forget this fact. I'm a sinner, with a debt towards God. He has granted me caretaker of so many of His wonderful things, and although I fail time and time again to honor Him with my everything, He still gives me more. As it says in Ecclesiastes, "He has made everything beautiful in its time." Everything is a gift from God and it is beautiful in it's time. I struggle to let go of some of these gifts, claiming ownership of them and completely forgetting that it was a gift, not a right of mine, but something that God had blessed me with. Let us not forget the fact that God does not owe us anything.

The Great One

Through all the pain and all the shame,
No matter what I have done,
I can call upon your name
And know that you will come.
Though many times I would forget you
And believe that my way was better,
You still remembered me and called me son.
O, your great love for me,
How perfect and pure,
No man can fathom it!

You are the greatest friend,
You are the perfect father,
You are the majestic creator,
You are the great physician,
You are the strongest fortress,
You are the alpha and omega,
You are Jehovah Jireh,
And I am yours!

Barney God? (Yes the big purple dinosaur!)

How do we see God? Do we see him as the big purple dinosaur singing, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too."? God is love, but there is so much more to God. Many people view God as this big soft dinosaur who just loves and loves. Why? Because this is a secure, low-risk way to view God, it's the characteristic we want to see. But we can't push aside the other characteristics of God! No, we must view Him in His entirety. This means viewing God as the just God, the God who tells us to fear Him, and El Qanna, the jealous God! These characteristic are not safe at all, but quite dangerous. As C.S. Lewis says in The Chronicles of Narnia, "He is not a safe Lion, but He is good!" We all try to get this level of comfort, but God does not want us to be comfortable, because then we stop pursuing and reaching out for Him. We get stuck in a rut. And God calls us to know Him, He wants to reveal Himself to us. But like any relationship, we must really seek and spend time with Him to know Him, and we must seek and ask for wisdom and knowledge of who He is. Sure God is Love, but have you spent time knowing all of God, the jealous God, the just God, the God who calls on you to do BIG things?