God owes me nothing!

Who are we to think that God owes us something? The past month has been difficult for me. This is not how this chapter in my life is supposed to end. I have experienced God's great Love and freedom, but I have felt so much pain and heartache. And I found myself coming before God saying, "I deserve better than this!" or "I'm owed this!" declaring that I have ownership of something. But we are not owed anything!!! We have no right to anything because it's all God's! And God owes us nothing, rather we owe God everything, but we so quickly forget this fact. I'm a sinner, with a debt towards God. He has granted me caretaker of so many of His wonderful things, and although I fail time and time again to honor Him with my everything, He still gives me more. As it says in Ecclesiastes, "He has made everything beautiful in its time." Everything is a gift from God and it is beautiful in it's time. I struggle to let go of some of these gifts, claiming ownership of them and completely forgetting that it was a gift, not a right of mine, but something that God had blessed me with. Let us not forget the fact that God does not owe us anything.

The Great One

Through all the pain and all the shame,
No matter what I have done,
I can call upon your name
And know that you will come.
Though many times I would forget you
And believe that my way was better,
You still remembered me and called me son.
O, your great love for me,
How perfect and pure,
No man can fathom it!

You are the greatest friend,
You are the perfect father,
You are the majestic creator,
You are the great physician,
You are the strongest fortress,
You are the alpha and omega,
You are Jehovah Jireh,
And I am yours!

Barney God? (Yes the big purple dinosaur!)

How do we see God? Do we see him as the big purple dinosaur singing, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too."? God is love, but there is so much more to God. Many people view God as this big soft dinosaur who just loves and loves. Why? Because this is a secure, low-risk way to view God, it's the characteristic we want to see. But we can't push aside the other characteristics of God! No, we must view Him in His entirety. This means viewing God as the just God, the God who tells us to fear Him, and El Qanna, the jealous God! These characteristic are not safe at all, but quite dangerous. As C.S. Lewis says in The Chronicles of Narnia, "He is not a safe Lion, but He is good!" We all try to get this level of comfort, but God does not want us to be comfortable, because then we stop pursuing and reaching out for Him. We get stuck in a rut. And God calls us to know Him, He wants to reveal Himself to us. But like any relationship, we must really seek and spend time with Him to know Him, and we must seek and ask for wisdom and knowledge of who He is. Sure God is Love, but have you spent time knowing all of God, the jealous God, the just God, the God who calls on you to do BIG things?

Love without Respect?

How do we love when we as men don't feel respect? It's a difficult task, one that tears apart friendships and marriages. I read the book Love and Respect for my Marriage and Family class at FLI and it was extremely challenging and a little intimidating when looking ahead to marriage. How will I always show love to those I care about when I don't feel the love from them or, even more importantly for men, respect from them? Oh how I have failed several times this semester in this area. My instant response is to shut down and pull away from these people. I tell myself in my mind, "Hey, they aren't showing you respect, so why should you love them, obviously they don't care about you!" Oh the lies of Satan, so deceitful and dangerous, filling our minds with assumptions that are rarely true and tearing apart something beautiful. As soon as we buy into this assumption, this relationship goes into a crazy spinning downfall. Instead of responding instantly, we must pray! Pray for strength, courage, and wisdom that we may put away our selfishness and respond in love, even in the hardest of times. What does this do? It shows your true care for this person and is the beginning of getting back on the right track. Sure, there may be work to do, problems to work out, but it will keep you from falling into this crazy downfall. And men, don't shut down going silent, be the leader, step up and tell the other person, "I still love you no matter what, but that was hurtful. I have been feeling disrespected and I just want to know why." Be open and honest. Shutting down does not do any good, but may be the start of the cycle. Expressing your feelings and hurt shows care for the friendship and demonstrates your love, wanting to solve the issue. But men, also take a look at yourself. Have you been expressing love, or are you the start of the problem. It may take an apology from you to start things off, and if this is the case, don't hesitate. Men, we have become so passive to expressing ourselves, thinking that we should not have emotions but that somehow by being silent and acting like it is not affecting us is demonstrating strength. That is bull-crap!!! Men it is time to step up and be the leader, to be the one who steps forward when problems arise, taking initiative and thus demonstrating our strength. The world is hurting for men like this, for real men who know what it means to be a leader! And women, don't give up hope, but challenge the men around you to be the man you desire. Allow them to lead, force them to lead, and be active in their growth in development by giving them respect and thus in return receiving love! I love you all very much, and ask you all to challenge me in this area as well, because God is still working on me!

Presidential Review

I was informed today by a dear friend that today marks the 100th day since we left FLI. Upon her recommendation I will do a 100 day review of my life since Focus.

There is no single word that can even come close to describing the past 100 days. They have been filled with joy, bondage, freedom, pain, growth, molding, and purification. There are many more words I would like to put in here, but I could go forever. As you can tell, many of these words contradict each other, but isn't that reflective of life. Leaving FLI I was on top of the mountain and slowly have descended, climbed, and descended. Life is up and down, and for so long I feared the valleys, and allowed Satan to make me feel defeated in these times, but as Dr. Thomason would say, "Battles are fought in valleys." I have taken his words of wisdom to help me feel strong in the valley, and to remember that we are to "Consider it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds, because the testing of our faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that we may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (This brings me back to our running group, those early morning runs, quoting scripture and being vulnerable. I miss those days) This semester has been so incredible for me, due in large part to the wisdom of my professors last semester and also my wise roommate, AK.

The largest part of my growth is recognizing who I am, who God created me to be, and living in MY strengths and not in anyone else's strengths. It's been about daily dying to self and recognizing my real purpose on earth, which is to bring glory to El Qanna! Learning is a continual process, and God has shown me so much in the past 100 days. Most recently I have learned a little more about what it means to be a man, through a painful experience. My number two strength is harmony, and I hate conflict, I hate hurting others, and I hate the risk that God sometimes demands us to take. I learned that trusting God is many times not waiting around to the risk lessens and we can avoid conflict, but so many times trusting God is going into a moment of high risk and saying "God, I know this is going to be painful, I really don't want to do this, but I'm trusting You to give me the strength, and to be my shepherd!"

I have grown in the belief of myself. I have downgraded myself over the past year in my ability to teach. I have allowed myself to buy into these lies that I can not teach and that I do not possess what the stereotypical teacher possesses. Why yes this is true that I do not possess the skills that most teachers have, but I have my own strengths, maybe not the strength to be a great presenter and to present new material, but I have the strength to guide students to their own discovery, to make students believe in themselves, and the incredible ability to build strong bonds with any student quickly. I no longer define myself by others, but I know who I am, and I know the incredible man God has created me to be. Even now this brings tears to my eyes. I lived in the bondage of doubt for so long and it is so freeing to finally recognize who I am!

I have been so blessed over the past 100 days, and now Katelyn has sent my mind reeling trying to explain everything that has happened over this period. I have been put through the refiners fire this semester, and although extremely painful at times, I'm becoming purer and slowly becoming more like God. My desire? To be a man after God's own heart, to fully trust in Him (which is the most freeing thing ever), and to continually display the joy of all that God has done in me, never forgetting the blessings of God, and never losing the AWE for who He is! May all recognize the greatness of God, the splendor of being able to meet the creator in an intimate setting, and the incredibleness of being drawn into the Trinity with Him, through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.

FLI Alum - You have been such an encouragement to me and have taught me so much. I will never forget any of you and the journey I have shared with you. I truly was transformed by my time there, and each one of you had a part in that. Thanks for the journey!

I love all of you so much!!!!!

Being a man!

What does it mean to be a man? This has been the question over the past three days. During my counseling session on Friday I was presented with a lot of deep questions about where I'm at and what I want from my future. The question that struck me the most in regards to where I'm at in my life was, "What does it mean to be a man in this situation?" I had no answer, several ideas, but no answer. I have grown so much in the past six months, learning what it means to be a leader in society, learning how to lead a family, learning how to be a husband, and most importantly learning how to be a man of God and seeking to be a man after God's own heart. But after several questions going deeper into the issue, I have seen how I have failed to be a man, how I have failed to step up and be the man I need to be. I have been striving so hard for this level of perfection, which is impossible because after all, I'm a man, fallen and in need of wisdom from above. I have become scared to be vulnerable and to make mistakes, because I feel that this somehow will make me less of a man. What a stupid lie! We will make mistakes and at points we have to make ourselves vulnerable and step-up and be a true man, being a leader, and not holding back.
Now, onto a different topic of manhood, Mr. Matthew Yoder turned sixteen yesterday, introduction into manhood. We had all the men of the church get together and share our wisdom with Matt on what it means to be a man and how to be the men God desires us to be. This generation has become so confused on what it really means to be a man, due in large part to the movies and shows that are on television. Watch almost any new television show and you will see how society has demasculinited men. It shows men as incompetent, to stupid to do anything. It shows men as lazy, allowing the women to do the work. It shows women running the household, running the family, but men, this is not how God created it. God created us to be leaders, to protect women, to make them feel beautiful, and to be a spiritual leader and warrior. Our society, and especially young boys, need to see what it means to be a man, and how this is to be lived out. Young boys have no idea what it truly means to be a man, they need an example to follow, and men it is our responsibility to display for them the true meaning of being a man.

Becoming like Christ?

How do we do this? David was a man after God's own heart. We are told to have the same attitude of Christ. We are to be followers of Jesus and live a life that seeks to honor God in everything we do. But how, as fallen man, do we become like Christ? It is an impossible task, but yet we are told to try. I have become frustrated many times over the past three weeks with this task. I get myself on this become like Christ mode where every little mistake I beat myself up over and constantly overthink every little thing I do, thinking that this particular aspect of my life is not Christlike. Many times these things are not necessarily wrong, it's just not using discernment in a certain situation.
So what are we to do? We can't expect ourselves to be perfect. One of the attacks of Satan is that we must be perfect. But we must remember we are to be like God, not be God. Of course we will fail, but it is important to learn from these failures, but not by dwelling on them. It's identify the lies that we are led to believe, and looking for the Truth that exist. We need to ask for the Holy Spirit to dwell within us everyday, that we may be an extension of Christ, serving our part in the body.
We each have received unique gifts and talents that we are to use to help further the kingdom of God. This brings us back around to community, fulfilling our role, not every role, but helping each other out by knowing our weaknesses and allowing others to fill those weaknesses. It's also about making sure that we have that intimate time with God every day. Isn't it incredible that the creator of all there is, the Alpha and Omega, has invited us into this direct communication with Him, that He would wrap His arms around us when we need it, despite our constant failures.
One of the most encouraging things for me over the past five days has been a little square of paper that a friend made that simply says "Jesus Loves Me=)" with the smiley face upright of course. Over the past days this has sunk in more than ever before. Jesus LOVES me, a sinner, a man struggling through this life, through these questions, struggling to have a heart after God's own heart, but this is what it is all about, the Love of Jesus. My prayer is that we all can truly recognize the grandeur of prayer and the Bible and that God would come down to us and directly communicate with us, having His hand in our lives, and that we may recognize the awesomeness of the words "Jesus Loves Me".