Saturday, January 30, 2010

Me not being me!

The past 2 weeks have been so weird for me. I haven't felt like myself, I haven't acted like myself, and I've been extremely selfish and rude and discouraging to those around me. In no way have I exemplified Christ through my attitude. I have felt like the last 2 weeks I have constantly been in a dazed state of mind. When you get lightheaded and feel like everything around you is just jumbled, thats what I've felt like for 2 straight weeks.
I can't explain what was wrong, cause even now I can't think of why I was like this. It seems like it was a huge spiritual battle. In the past 2 weeks I have spent a lot of time in prayer asking God to take away the state of mind I was in and that I could have an attitude of humbleness and looking our for others. Yet I struggled so much to do these very things. It wasn't until this past Thursday that I finally started feeling a little more like myself, yet Friday afternoon I was still harsh. I have been so rude to all my friends, and despite this they have stood behind me. Friday though, one of best friends again continued to be there and tried to start conversation, but the first thing I did was make a rude and disrespectful comment. I care so much for these friendships, yet I nearly destroyed this one. After the comment I just started to think about what I have been doing, the way I have been acting, and how much I really care for these friendships. I have missed them so much this semester and my own stubborn attitude kept me from seeing this.
It's been a rough two weeks physically, spiritually, and relationally. I am finally beginning to feel like myself again. I'm again longing to use the gifts God has given me to help others. I want to be there for all of you. So I'm sorry for my attitude of selfishness and being a downer. Thank you all for sticking by me through this.

Monday, January 11, 2010

A Wonderful Break!

Many times when I go home on break I struggle with being away from everyone at school and struggle with being myself. This past Christmas break was the best break I have had since being at college. I felt more confidence in myself, I felt like myself. I felt much more peace about where I was, where things where going and knowing that God is in control. I thought a lot about this past semester and things that I need to improve on and how I need to change my focus from the self-centeredness to things not being about me at all. Everything is about God. John Piper's talk at Passion keeps coming back following his sermon and how God is a jealous God and it is all about Him, not about me but about Him. What a journey this past year and a half has been and I have had so many learning experiences and have had to evaluate myself many times to make sure my focus is on God.
I enjoyed a lot of time with my family this break and it was good. Looking over my schedule for the year of 2010 it appears that I will only be able to go home one weekend during this semester and I will have a week at home at the end of August, so it was good to spend a lot of time with my family.
I went to Atlanta for a four day college age conference called Passion and it was amazing. Being able to worship with 22,000 college students just lifted my spirits, knowing that the next generation does really care to make known the name of Jesus! It was encouraging and it was challenging. The speakers were terrific and really challenged me to be bolder and a brighter light.
Over the past couple months I have struggled with understanding God's plans and why certain things happen. It's been a struggle for me to not receive what I want but following God's path for my life. Towards the end of break I finally started receiving some freedom from my own desires and just gazing upon the face of God in awe saying here's my life, take it and make it new. Finally saying God it is all about you, refine my heart, let me die to myself and pour my heart and soul out to you. What a struggle though to give up on something we long for and to just step back and say, "God, where you lead I will follow!" I ask for prayer in this area. At points I struggle greatly with questioning why God has done what He has and have many times bring myself down with thoughts of my weaknesses. I pray that I would not gaze upon my weaknesses but always keep in mind that God has given me talents and that it's not about me. That I would pour myself out to His will, not mine. All of you have been so great, and have been such an encouragement! I thank you for your prayers, and continue to ask for prayers because the next couple months really are going to be a struggle and I know there is no greater weapon in the world than prayer! I really believe that, so please continue to pray, and please let me know if I can ever do anything for you! God Bless and have a wonderful day! With the love of Christ!