Friday, August 27, 2010

Satan's Work

I am at a point where I'm dreading Colorado. Over the past two months I have become less and less interested in attending the institute. It's frustrating losing all my excitement for this incredible program. It has been going through my head the past week to not even go, to just take a semester off. I have made it through the summer with really very little stress until the past week. Around last Wednesday I hit a wall and since then I have really lost interest in going to Colorado, and interest in the things I enjoy. I have lost a connection to who I am and to the things that are most important in life. I'm at a point where it's a struggle to describe the summer and what has been happening, because I'm at a point of such confusion. It's been a great summer, I have enjoyed the guys I work with, but somewhere I lost a connection, somewhere I lost me.
The last week has been a constant battle in my head. Since I hit that wall, I have been struggling mightily. I have felt attacked constantly by Satan, and it truly is a constant battle to distinguish between Truth and the lies. Unfortunately I feel I have been falling for the lies. And Satan knows where to attack, he knows my weak points. And somehow he has gotten me to a point of frustration, confusion, and a loss of passion. I have lost the fight to even doing anything about this terrible loss of myself, I don't feel like even fighting it, but am at a point where I just continue on in numbness to the world around me. I'm at a dangerous point, but it doesn't even bother me that much. It is frustrating being able to identify what is happening, but lack the passion to do anything about it. Like even writing this, how can I see it all happening, lay it all out there and still not care to do anything about it. Why???? I just don't want to do anything really. I just want to go live out in the middle of nowhere and just sit there for a while. Maybe I should be a monk? haha Not serious about that, but it is intriguing. I wish that I had the desire to fight, but I no longer do. I wish I could gain that excitement for Colorado that I had at the end of last semester. I miss the passion I had, the faith that I had, and the trust that no matter what God was in control. I have hit a deep valley and over the past couple days have realized that I need Focus more than ever. I still do not want to go, but I have to. I have to find what I have lost and be in a community of believers who are also searching for what God has for them. But please, I ask for your prayers, even though I lack to do this. All of you mean so much to me and I thank you for interest in me enough to read this. Satan has attacked each one of my friendships and it has become a daily battle, but I know that you are all there for me and I thank you so much for that. I love each one of you deeply!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Where have I gone?

Where is my excitement? Why do I no longer feel the great desire to go to Colorado? At the beginning of summer I was so excited for Focus, to be in Colorado, to do the things I love! Where has that all gone. For the past two months it's almost as if I have dreaded going to Colorado, dreaded even doing things that I love, things that are part of who I am. The passions, desires that I have had over the years are gone. I have lost my desire to accomplish the things that I have always wanted to do. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel like I have lost my passion to reach out to others. I feel so selfish. Sure the selfish desire has always been in me, but I feel complete selfishness.
This summer has been fun, I have enjoyed it greatly! I love the guys I work with, but yet I have lost a large part of me this summer. I don't know where it went, or why I lost it in the first place. I don't hurt over things that used to make my heart ache. I think of the song that says, "break my heart for what breaks yours" in speaking of our Heavenly Father. Why does my heart no longer break for what breaks God's heart. What are the motives for my actions, for my thoughts? Is it to serve God, has that been my first priority? Far from it. I feel like I have begun to only look out for me, I have gotten away from using my talents to help others. I have allowed wounds to fester and dig deeper. I have held onto things that I need to let God take away. I need to be placed in the fire, the refiners fire, that I would be made pure. Am I willing to give up my selfish desires to serve the One who paid it all? Am I willing to humble myself enough to let God have all of me, to give up my pride and humbly fall at the feet of Jesus?
For the first time in a long time I have felt emotion. I think being back on the campus at IWU has reminded me of the friends I have, of those that are in my corner, and of the blessings I have been given. Oh how quickly I can forget the many blessings God has bestowed upon me. May I humbly serve you my King!