Friday, August 20, 2010

Where have I gone?

Where is my excitement? Why do I no longer feel the great desire to go to Colorado? At the beginning of summer I was so excited for Focus, to be in Colorado, to do the things I love! Where has that all gone. For the past two months it's almost as if I have dreaded going to Colorado, dreaded even doing things that I love, things that are part of who I am. The passions, desires that I have had over the years are gone. I have lost my desire to accomplish the things that I have always wanted to do. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel like I have lost my passion to reach out to others. I feel so selfish. Sure the selfish desire has always been in me, but I feel complete selfishness.
This summer has been fun, I have enjoyed it greatly! I love the guys I work with, but yet I have lost a large part of me this summer. I don't know where it went, or why I lost it in the first place. I don't hurt over things that used to make my heart ache. I think of the song that says, "break my heart for what breaks yours" in speaking of our Heavenly Father. Why does my heart no longer break for what breaks God's heart. What are the motives for my actions, for my thoughts? Is it to serve God, has that been my first priority? Far from it. I feel like I have begun to only look out for me, I have gotten away from using my talents to help others. I have allowed wounds to fester and dig deeper. I have held onto things that I need to let God take away. I need to be placed in the fire, the refiners fire, that I would be made pure. Am I willing to give up my selfish desires to serve the One who paid it all? Am I willing to humble myself enough to let God have all of me, to give up my pride and humbly fall at the feet of Jesus?
For the first time in a long time I have felt emotion. I think being back on the campus at IWU has reminded me of the friends I have, of those that are in my corner, and of the blessings I have been given. Oh how quickly I can forget the many blessings God has bestowed upon me. May I humbly serve you my King!

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