I am at a point where I'm dreading Colorado. Over the past two months I have become less and less interested in attending the institute. It's frustrating losing all my excitement for this incredible program. It has been going through my head the past week to not even go, to just take a semester off. I have made it through the summer with really very little stress until the past week. Around last Wednesday I hit a wall and since then I have really lost interest in going to Colorado, and interest in the things I enjoy. I have lost a connection to who I am and to the things that are most important in life. I'm at a point where it's a struggle to describe the summer and what has been happening, because I'm at a point of such confusion. It's been a great summer, I have enjoyed the guys I work with, but somewhere I lost a connection, somewhere I lost me.
The last week has been a constant battle in my head. Since I hit that wall, I have been struggling mightily. I have felt attacked constantly by Satan, and it truly is a constant battle to distinguish between Truth and the lies. Unfortunately I feel I have been falling for the lies. And Satan knows where to attack, he knows my weak points. And somehow he has gotten me to a point of frustration, confusion, and a loss of passion. I have lost the fight to even doing anything about this terrible loss of myself, I don't feel like even fighting it, but am at a point where I just continue on in numbness to the world around me. I'm at a dangerous point, but it doesn't even bother me that much. It is frustrating being able to identify what is happening, but lack the passion to do anything about it. Like even writing this, how can I see it all happening, lay it all out there and still not care to do anything about it. Why???? I just don't want to do anything really. I just want to go live out in the middle of nowhere and just sit there for a while. Maybe I should be a monk? haha Not serious about that, but it is intriguing. I wish that I had the desire to fight, but I no longer do. I wish I could gain that excitement for Colorado that I had at the end of last semester. I miss the passion I had, the faith that I had, and the trust that no matter what God was in control. I have hit a deep valley and over the past couple days have realized that I need Focus more than ever. I still do not want to go, but I have to. I have to find what I have lost and be in a community of believers who are also searching for what God has for them. But please, I ask for your prayers, even though I lack to do this. All of you mean so much to me and I thank you for interest in me enough to read this. Satan has attacked each one of my friendships and it has become a daily battle, but I know that you are all there for me and I thank you so much for that. I love each one of you deeply!