I am at a point where I'm dreading Colorado. Over the past two months I have become less and less interested in attending the institute. It's frustrating losing all my excitement for this incredible program. It has been going through my head the past week to not even go, to just take a semester off. I have made it through the summer with really very little stress until the past week. Around last Wednesday I hit a wall and since then I have really lost interest in going to Colorado, and interest in the things I enjoy. I have lost a connection to who I am and to the things that are most important in life. I'm at a point where it's a struggle to describe the summer and what has been happening, because I'm at a point of such confusion. It's been a great summer, I have enjoyed the guys I work with, but somewhere I lost a connection, somewhere I lost me.
The last week has been a constant battle in my head. Since I hit that wall, I have been struggling mightily. I have felt attacked constantly by Satan, and it truly is a constant battle to distinguish between Truth and the lies. Unfortunately I feel I have been falling for the lies. And Satan knows where to attack, he knows my weak points. And somehow he has gotten me to a point of frustration, confusion, and a loss of passion. I have lost the fight to even doing anything about this terrible loss of myself, I don't feel like even fighting it, but am at a point where I just continue on in numbness to the world around me. I'm at a dangerous point, but it doesn't even bother me that much. It is frustrating being able to identify what is happening, but lack the passion to do anything about it. Like even writing this, how can I see it all happening, lay it all out there and still not care to do anything about it. Why???? I just don't want to do anything really. I just want to go live out in the middle of nowhere and just sit there for a while. Maybe I should be a monk? haha Not serious about that, but it is intriguing. I wish that I had the desire to fight, but I no longer do. I wish I could gain that excitement for Colorado that I had at the end of last semester. I miss the passion I had, the faith that I had, and the trust that no matter what God was in control. I have hit a deep valley and over the past couple days have realized that I need Focus more than ever. I still do not want to go, but I have to. I have to find what I have lost and be in a community of believers who are also searching for what God has for them. But please, I ask for your prayers, even though I lack to do this. All of you mean so much to me and I thank you for interest in me enough to read this. Satan has attacked each one of my friendships and it has become a daily battle, but I know that you are all there for me and I thank you so much for that. I love each one of you deeply!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Where have I gone?
Where is my excitement? Why do I no longer feel the great desire to go to Colorado? At the beginning of summer I was so excited for Focus, to be in Colorado, to do the things I love! Where has that all gone. For the past two months it's almost as if I have dreaded going to Colorado, dreaded even doing things that I love, things that are part of who I am. The passions, desires that I have had over the years are gone. I have lost my desire to accomplish the things that I have always wanted to do. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel like I have lost my passion to reach out to others. I feel so selfish. Sure the selfish desire has always been in me, but I feel complete selfishness.
This summer has been fun, I have enjoyed it greatly! I love the guys I work with, but yet I have lost a large part of me this summer. I don't know where it went, or why I lost it in the first place. I don't hurt over things that used to make my heart ache. I think of the song that says, "break my heart for what breaks yours" in speaking of our Heavenly Father. Why does my heart no longer break for what breaks God's heart. What are the motives for my actions, for my thoughts? Is it to serve God, has that been my first priority? Far from it. I feel like I have begun to only look out for me, I have gotten away from using my talents to help others. I have allowed wounds to fester and dig deeper. I have held onto things that I need to let God take away. I need to be placed in the fire, the refiners fire, that I would be made pure. Am I willing to give up my selfish desires to serve the One who paid it all? Am I willing to humble myself enough to let God have all of me, to give up my pride and humbly fall at the feet of Jesus?
For the first time in a long time I have felt emotion. I think being back on the campus at IWU has reminded me of the friends I have, of those that are in my corner, and of the blessings I have been given. Oh how quickly I can forget the many blessings God has bestowed upon me. May I humbly serve you my King!
This summer has been fun, I have enjoyed it greatly! I love the guys I work with, but yet I have lost a large part of me this summer. I don't know where it went, or why I lost it in the first place. I don't hurt over things that used to make my heart ache. I think of the song that says, "break my heart for what breaks yours" in speaking of our Heavenly Father. Why does my heart no longer break for what breaks God's heart. What are the motives for my actions, for my thoughts? Is it to serve God, has that been my first priority? Far from it. I feel like I have begun to only look out for me, I have gotten away from using my talents to help others. I have allowed wounds to fester and dig deeper. I have held onto things that I need to let God take away. I need to be placed in the fire, the refiners fire, that I would be made pure. Am I willing to give up my selfish desires to serve the One who paid it all? Am I willing to humble myself enough to let God have all of me, to give up my pride and humbly fall at the feet of Jesus?
For the first time in a long time I have felt emotion. I think being back on the campus at IWU has reminded me of the friends I have, of those that are in my corner, and of the blessings I have been given. Oh how quickly I can forget the many blessings God has bestowed upon me. May I humbly serve you my King!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Hope for the Hopeless?
As I run along the river, I see some of the same people everyday. No doubt that they are homeless, as they have the same clothes on everyday and they smell of sweat and are filthy. One guy in particular has stuck out to me. I passed him the other day as he was staggering along the sidewalk, talking to himself along the way. As I ran past I gave him a "good morning" and he shamefully looked to the ground. This man seemed to have no hope. As I ran back I came up to him again sitting on the curb, just talking to himself and every once in a while he would chuckle.
This man made me think about what drives a person to this point of craziness. Does this man have any hope? Do these people reach this point as a result of many failed attempts at pursuing their desires? Where were they ten years ago, fifteen years ago? Did they hold a desire to be something bigger than themselves. I'm pretty sure that when they were my age that they had a desire for something bigger than where they are now. As I see the hopelessness in the eyes of some of these people, it breaks my heart. Where did their passion go? What happened to their dreams and desires?
Over the past two or three weeks I have felt a loss of desire. Many of my desires I no longer felt a desire for. I lost my excitement for Colorado, for pursuing my heart and for doing what I love. I felt like doing nothing with my life. Is this the result of too many failed pursuits? I can see how when we rely on ourselves and continue to fail that a person can fall to such a hopelessness. What is the breaking point? Why is no one reaching to these people. I pass these people and get a feeling of guilt. I have so much and it makes me feel ashamed for not helping them. But how do I help them. I know the thing they need the most, I hold the answer, that Jesus Christ died for them and that no matter what the world labels them at or what status society gives them, they are loved. Why can I not share this true pure Love of Christ with them? Why am I so week? Is it again coming back to the point of another failure? Pride is a tough thing to lose, but God ask us to die to ourselves. He must become greater, I must become less!
This man made me think about what drives a person to this point of craziness. Does this man have any hope? Do these people reach this point as a result of many failed attempts at pursuing their desires? Where were they ten years ago, fifteen years ago? Did they hold a desire to be something bigger than themselves. I'm pretty sure that when they were my age that they had a desire for something bigger than where they are now. As I see the hopelessness in the eyes of some of these people, it breaks my heart. Where did their passion go? What happened to their dreams and desires?
Over the past two or three weeks I have felt a loss of desire. Many of my desires I no longer felt a desire for. I lost my excitement for Colorado, for pursuing my heart and for doing what I love. I felt like doing nothing with my life. Is this the result of too many failed pursuits? I can see how when we rely on ourselves and continue to fail that a person can fall to such a hopelessness. What is the breaking point? Why is no one reaching to these people. I pass these people and get a feeling of guilt. I have so much and it makes me feel ashamed for not helping them. But how do I help them. I know the thing they need the most, I hold the answer, that Jesus Christ died for them and that no matter what the world labels them at or what status society gives them, they are loved. Why can I not share this true pure Love of Christ with them? Why am I so week? Is it again coming back to the point of another failure? Pride is a tough thing to lose, but God ask us to die to ourselves. He must become greater, I must become less!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Desire
Where does the dissatisfaction with life come from? We never seem to be satisfied. As hard as everyone tries to reach their desires, we always seem to come up short and fail to reach that point that we so desire. People try all kinds of ploys to make them feel satisfied, one of the big ones that I have seen or heard is that a lot of money will solve many problems. But doesn't money just create more problems. It draws us further from the solution. No matter how much we make, we still didn't get to where we want and we become dissatisfied with how things are going.
But many times it even feels that healthy desires do not help us. I was reading John Eldridge's book titled "Desire" yesterday and he was talking how he longed to take a great fishing trip for years but time after time something went wrong where he was either unable to fish or he was not able to catch anything when he fished. On the way back from one of his trips he was thinking how he had always longed to own a ranch on a river where he could fish and just enjoy God's creation. Why would God not grant him this desire? It seems like a healthy desire. John explained how on his drive back from his latest fishing expedition, he thought about why this desire of his was not being obtained. Even though healthy, if placed in this desire it would be his own little heaven, and in a way he would not need God there.
We fill ourselves with these desires, where if only I could obtain this desire of mine, if only..., but God has his desire for us, and we are so stuck in the now or stuck in this place in our mind that we can not see where what is happening is taking us. In his book, John also talks how our failed desires can affect us as well. We have these desires that get crushed and slowly we stop desiring all together. We build up these desires in our hearts and minds and one by one we fail to obtain what we desire.
So does this dissatisfaction come from our constantly failing desires? Does it come from a society that tells us that it is all about me? I do not even know what else to say and I do not know if any of this makes sense as I ramble on. It can be hard to continue to desire after we fail, but it is important to not lose heart and to think of the bigger picture, because it's not about us, it's about serving the One who died for us.
But many times it even feels that healthy desires do not help us. I was reading John Eldridge's book titled "Desire" yesterday and he was talking how he longed to take a great fishing trip for years but time after time something went wrong where he was either unable to fish or he was not able to catch anything when he fished. On the way back from one of his trips he was thinking how he had always longed to own a ranch on a river where he could fish and just enjoy God's creation. Why would God not grant him this desire? It seems like a healthy desire. John explained how on his drive back from his latest fishing expedition, he thought about why this desire of his was not being obtained. Even though healthy, if placed in this desire it would be his own little heaven, and in a way he would not need God there.
We fill ourselves with these desires, where if only I could obtain this desire of mine, if only..., but God has his desire for us, and we are so stuck in the now or stuck in this place in our mind that we can not see where what is happening is taking us. In his book, John also talks how our failed desires can affect us as well. We have these desires that get crushed and slowly we stop desiring all together. We build up these desires in our hearts and minds and one by one we fail to obtain what we desire.
So does this dissatisfaction come from our constantly failing desires? Does it come from a society that tells us that it is all about me? I do not even know what else to say and I do not know if any of this makes sense as I ramble on. It can be hard to continue to desire after we fail, but it is important to not lose heart and to think of the bigger picture, because it's not about us, it's about serving the One who died for us.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The Impact of a Father
Today was another reminder about the impact of a father in a child's life. One of the biggest things missing in the lives of children are honorable fathers who display love for their children. As the number of single parent homes rise (most of them being run by the mother) and the number of fathers in prison rises, I see the results of this abandonment more and more. Today I sat down with a student who has struggled with behavior issues the whole semester. I asked him if he had any brothers and sisters and after a little hesitation he answered, "I think I have 8." He told me he lives with a younger brother and sister and that his father is in jail. There is no father in his life, no honorable man to follow in the footsteps of. How is he going to know how he should act and how to respect a woman, when all he sees is abandonment from his father. This is the first background story I have heard from a student in my class, and it broke my heart.
Later that day another student, a boy who is always disrupting class mentioned that his father had passed away. A completely different circumstance, but again a loss of a father. I do not know if he has a step-dad or a father-figure in his life, but what an impact a father makes. Tonight I watched "Bridge to Terabithia" and about half-way through the movie you find out the bully of the school is being abused by her dad. Even though this is just a story, this happens all the time. The abuse of a father deals huge wounds to the hearts of children.
These stories have made me examine my own behavior and attitude. Everything I do will impact my child's life, will in someway direct my child's view of a father and what a man should be. It makes me reflect on the question, how should an honorable man live his life? I believe one of the biggest things missing in this society is respect. Respect for others, for authority, and for parents. For women it may be the respect for yourself and for men I know respect for women is lacking. As young men see their fathers abandon their mothers by abuse or going to jail and see their fathers lack of respect for women, the problem only seems to get worse. How is my attitude? Would my attitude, actions, and words reflect a Godly man who seeks to live in the joy and freedom of a Great Creator? What a hurt and deep wound the children of this world have and yet we expect them to climb out of their circumstances and become something great with a broken heart and broken mind. We are telling these young men and women to callous their hearts because this is life and this is just how it is. People, this is not how it is supposed to be and never let your heart or mind believe that. The lies of Satan are clever and witty, but our God created us for a greater purpose and created us with something unique called the Heart, which allows us to Love and care for others. Our hearts have been broken though through many different ways and Satan has these lies that tell us to harden our hearts. These feelings have become something that is viewed as pain, but it is something great and wonderful, something that makes us come alive. The Love of a Father, dying on a cross so we could be saved. This is the role of a father, that we would Love our children so much that we would do anything to be there with them through everything, to Love them enough to sacrifice everything, putting to death our selfishness that exist. Oh, the impact of a father. Thank you Jesus for showing us what Love is and help us to Love like you have Loved us!
Later that day another student, a boy who is always disrupting class mentioned that his father had passed away. A completely different circumstance, but again a loss of a father. I do not know if he has a step-dad or a father-figure in his life, but what an impact a father makes. Tonight I watched "Bridge to Terabithia" and about half-way through the movie you find out the bully of the school is being abused by her dad. Even though this is just a story, this happens all the time. The abuse of a father deals huge wounds to the hearts of children.
These stories have made me examine my own behavior and attitude. Everything I do will impact my child's life, will in someway direct my child's view of a father and what a man should be. It makes me reflect on the question, how should an honorable man live his life? I believe one of the biggest things missing in this society is respect. Respect for others, for authority, and for parents. For women it may be the respect for yourself and for men I know respect for women is lacking. As young men see their fathers abandon their mothers by abuse or going to jail and see their fathers lack of respect for women, the problem only seems to get worse. How is my attitude? Would my attitude, actions, and words reflect a Godly man who seeks to live in the joy and freedom of a Great Creator? What a hurt and deep wound the children of this world have and yet we expect them to climb out of their circumstances and become something great with a broken heart and broken mind. We are telling these young men and women to callous their hearts because this is life and this is just how it is. People, this is not how it is supposed to be and never let your heart or mind believe that. The lies of Satan are clever and witty, but our God created us for a greater purpose and created us with something unique called the Heart, which allows us to Love and care for others. Our hearts have been broken though through many different ways and Satan has these lies that tell us to harden our hearts. These feelings have become something that is viewed as pain, but it is something great and wonderful, something that makes us come alive. The Love of a Father, dying on a cross so we could be saved. This is the role of a father, that we would Love our children so much that we would do anything to be there with them through everything, to Love them enough to sacrifice everything, putting to death our selfishness that exist. Oh, the impact of a father. Thank you Jesus for showing us what Love is and help us to Love like you have Loved us!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Where is my heart?
The past week I have spent a lot of time seeking the answer to this question. As I draw towards the end of my college career I continue to seek out my heart and where I really desire to serve God once I am done with school. This past week has been a time of seeking out my heart and what truly is important. It has been an interesting week as I have felt extreme Joy in gazing upon the face of the Almighty, frustration as I push on through school, confusion as I seek out my heart and try to discover what really makes me come alive, and finally a lot of pain and sorrow as a friend struggles through extremely difficult times.
The past week has been filled with so many feelings and has left me confused. What is the best way for me to serve God and help others? This past weekend I had the most difficult conversation that I have ever had. Nothing else has even come close in my dealings with situations. Having someone I love in so much pain and helplessness and not being able to be there with him as he suffered through something that I can not even imagine was so hard. I wanted so bad to be there with him giving someone to stand in his corner. As I talked to him on the phone I felt so much pain and sorrow and desire to be able to push him through this and help him see a brighter future.
As this lays heavy on my heart and I desire so badly to help him through his struggles, I'm struggling to find where my heart really is. As I continue to grow in so many areas I have begun to take up the adventure that God has placed all of us in. Growing up I have been such a home-body and I loved just being around home and never really drew myself into the adventure that life is. I still love Home more than anything, but I have taken up the adventure and being in Colorado only deepened this desire to allow myself to follow wherever God leads. Maybe it's not the magnificent mountains of the Rockies, but no matter where He calls me, I know it's going to be an adventure. Now I must discover what my heart truly desires to do for the next phase of my life. I draw so much joy in working with kids and seeing the potential in students. It's awesome to watch them grow and see their faces when something clicks in their minds. I also enjoy working with older people and listening to the wisdom that they provide from years of experience. I love working with people my own age who are struggling and looking for someone to encourage them and someone to show them love when it may feel like their all alone. I love working with those who have no one to stand in their corner, who have no voice and have no escape to see a brighter future.
Through all these things I have no idea which direction I desire to go. Over the past month my heart has been drawn back to Kenya on so many occasions and I would love to return someday to again learn so much from the people there. But working with the students here in Marion I see the need for many of these students to have a father-figure in their lives. I absolutely love these students. Many do not have the support or love at home and you can see this in the students. They have such a need to have not only someone love them, but someone to show them the values that God ask of us.
One thing that I always know is that no matter where my heart leads me, I have a friend who will be there no matter where I go and that He works all things for good. For the Lord has done great things for me and I shall find JOY in serving Him no matter where He leads!
The past week has been filled with so many feelings and has left me confused. What is the best way for me to serve God and help others? This past weekend I had the most difficult conversation that I have ever had. Nothing else has even come close in my dealings with situations. Having someone I love in so much pain and helplessness and not being able to be there with him as he suffered through something that I can not even imagine was so hard. I wanted so bad to be there with him giving someone to stand in his corner. As I talked to him on the phone I felt so much pain and sorrow and desire to be able to push him through this and help him see a brighter future.
As this lays heavy on my heart and I desire so badly to help him through his struggles, I'm struggling to find where my heart really is. As I continue to grow in so many areas I have begun to take up the adventure that God has placed all of us in. Growing up I have been such a home-body and I loved just being around home and never really drew myself into the adventure that life is. I still love Home more than anything, but I have taken up the adventure and being in Colorado only deepened this desire to allow myself to follow wherever God leads. Maybe it's not the magnificent mountains of the Rockies, but no matter where He calls me, I know it's going to be an adventure. Now I must discover what my heart truly desires to do for the next phase of my life. I draw so much joy in working with kids and seeing the potential in students. It's awesome to watch them grow and see their faces when something clicks in their minds. I also enjoy working with older people and listening to the wisdom that they provide from years of experience. I love working with people my own age who are struggling and looking for someone to encourage them and someone to show them love when it may feel like their all alone. I love working with those who have no one to stand in their corner, who have no voice and have no escape to see a brighter future.
Through all these things I have no idea which direction I desire to go. Over the past month my heart has been drawn back to Kenya on so many occasions and I would love to return someday to again learn so much from the people there. But working with the students here in Marion I see the need for many of these students to have a father-figure in their lives. I absolutely love these students. Many do not have the support or love at home and you can see this in the students. They have such a need to have not only someone love them, but someone to show them the values that God ask of us.
One thing that I always know is that no matter where my heart leads me, I have a friend who will be there no matter where I go and that He works all things for good. For the Lord has done great things for me and I shall find JOY in serving Him no matter where He leads!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Your Beautiful!
Standing at the top of the mountain at over 10,000 feet looking down over the valley with snowcapped mountains standing around me in every direction as the sun glistens off the snow. It's hard to believe that the creator of all this desires to have a personal relationship with me! I stood at the top of the mountain in utter amazement of what surrounded me. Made me think of the example that John Piper used when he read the comic strip that said, "Ever notice how the best moments in life are the ones that make you feel the most insignificant?" I felt so insignificant. I have the opportunity to serve God who has crafted the most beautiful mountains.
As most of you know, I love Colorado! The mountains make me stand in awe and are so humbling. One thing that I enjoy is hiking and enjoying God's creation. Hiking relaxes me and is my way of bringing everything back into perspective. Then skiing for the first time, boy was that an adventure. No bunny hills here, but it made the experience that more adventurous. God has placed all this beauty around me and this journey is filled with so much adventure, I absolutely love it. I was so nervous and scared before starting but once I got to the mountain I told myself, "I'm going to enjoy this adventure that God has allowed me to be a part of." I find so much joy in getting out in God's nature, especially here in the Rockies. Overlooking the valleys, looking up at the mountains, and seeing the face of a God that is beautiful!
As most of you know, I love Colorado! The mountains make me stand in awe and are so humbling. One thing that I enjoy is hiking and enjoying God's creation. Hiking relaxes me and is my way of bringing everything back into perspective. Then skiing for the first time, boy was that an adventure. No bunny hills here, but it made the experience that more adventurous. God has placed all this beauty around me and this journey is filled with so much adventure, I absolutely love it. I was so nervous and scared before starting but once I got to the mountain I told myself, "I'm going to enjoy this adventure that God has allowed me to be a part of." I find so much joy in getting out in God's nature, especially here in the Rockies. Overlooking the valleys, looking up at the mountains, and seeing the face of a God that is beautiful!
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